Pregnancy Loss

15th October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day so I thought it is time that I shared my story that happened a few years back before my daughter Sophia was born.

Every pregnancy is a different story. You can hear a lot of people saying that no pregnancy or birth is the same and that could not be more true. Both of my pregnancies were quite different and here I'll be talking about the first one.

I first found out that I was pregnant back in autumn of 2018. My now husband and I had just recently gotten engaged. We were really happy and excited about the little one joining us soon. The beginning of the pregnancy was going quite well apart from a few minor side-effects such as nausea and a UTI. The 8-week midwife appointment went great too.

The worry started at the 12-week scan. I went to the St Mary's hospital in London for that one and everything was going great apart from the doctor performing the scan being very quiet. She then went to get another doctor who didn't tell me much either and only took me to the emergency gynaecology department. I was in a complete shock and couldn't understand what's happening as nothing was being explained to me. I then texted my best friend asking her to come as my husband was at work and I didn't want to call him until I knew more. She came to the hospital quickly and it was the best thing ever. Once I got called to the doctor's office, she asked the question that I didn't even think of asking at the time as she has been through a similar experience before and has actually seen the same doctor. The doctor explained to me that what happened is called a "missed miscarriage" (the baby's heart had stopped beating and the development had stopped too, but my body hadn't realised that yet and expelled the baby) & walked me through my options which were:

1. waiting it out;

2. using the tablets to start the process;

3. or the surgical management (aka abrasion of the uterus to remove the foetus).

I couldn't make a decision at that time and said that I needed the time to think about it all and process what has happened.

Later I was supposed to go to work, but my friend talked me into going over to her house at least for a bit. There I eventually called my husband & he came over. His best friend explained to him what had happened as it was too hard for me to talk about it just yet.

The next day we both stayed at home (even though my husband was supposed to go to work on that day) to process it all as it still didn't feel real. The following day I decided to go to work as I felt that I needed a distraction. Being in a different environment and talking to friends somewhat helped. Though I didn't feel 100% that day and around noon decided to go to another hospital for a second opinion.

That Wednesday I met an amazing doctor at the UCLH Early Pregnancy Unit who did another scan (my husband joined me too) and explained everything with all the details showing everything to me on the screen. He had confirmed the missed miscarriage and the day before gave me the time to read & think through all the options that were available to me, so I had made my choice pretty quickly that day. I decided to proceed with the surgical management. The doctor set up a pre-operation appointment for me for the next day and the surgery on Friday. Additionally, he scheduled a 6-week post-op appointment to check how everything went and how everything is healing as he was doing a research in the field. I felt very grateful to say the least.

That same day on the way home I called a family friend to help me process it all and she had explained to me that according this science called epigenetics the miscarried baby collected all the bad genetic material from both parents, so that the future children wouldn't get any. Another thing she said that stuck with me was that all that baby's soul needed was the unconditional love from a mother and as they received it, they could move on.

Later on that same day I also texted my psychologist for an appointment and called my mom to make an appointment for when I'm in Lithuania in a few weeks time with another family who helps to say farewell to the souls that have passed away. It was quite a surreal experience and I am eternally grateful that I did it as I got to visualise how my baby looked and name her.

On Thursday I had the pre-op appointment where everything went ever so smoothly and on early Friday morning while it was snowing we made our way to the hospital for the operation. The wait felt quite long, but I had a chance to meet and talk to the surgeon doing my operation and the anaesthetist which was great. They listened to me and helped me the way I had asked them to and more. Post-surgery I felt quite funny and in quite a lot of discomfort, though after a few hours and some checks I was discharged to go home.

Funny enough, on Thursday I had bought daffodils that decided to bloom that Friday. Now every year on the same day I light up a candle and get daffodils out of love & respect for my first child and saying thank you for everything.